WINGE MOAN COMPLAIN

Dear Crash
Is it my imagination or are we all turning into moaners? People never seem to stop complaining about the price of this and ‘oh, what a waste of money that was.’ Is this what computers are doing to people? I do hope not. I am sure that people can put their moaning to more important use.

People moan about the price of software, but at the back of their mind most of them realise that it is their software piracy that has sent prices soaring. Yes, Mastertronic can survive and seem to go from strength to strength, but how could software houses like Ultimate ‘go budget’ when they are only producing about five games a year?

People moan about buying games that are either pathetic, too easy or too difficult. The pathetic games can’t be excused, although maybe Domark would disagree. I believe that the time will soon come when there is no longer any room for the software houses that constantly produce pathetic and much hyped software.

The difficulty of games is a difficult, much talked about and much moaned about subject. The problem is, how do you decide the difficulty level of a game when there are five million Spectrum owners with very much differing game playing ability?

The software houses moan about a slump in sales, but this is a trend which has spread as far as the record industry who are suffering from single sales hitting rock bottom and record companies placing adverts between tracks on albums; is the computer industry heading for this?

Anyway, I am enjoying my computing more than ever and that’s all that matters isn’t it?
John Pinkney

‘DISGUSTED’ Sudbury

Dear Lloyd
I have just been reading your letters and to tell you the truth I’m disgusted!!!!

If all people want to do is complain about your magazine why the bloody hell do they buy it!
Philip Green, Sudbury

MOANING MUMMY

Dear Lloyd
I am writing for your advice on a problem I have about when I go to buy games. When have enough money to buy a game I yell ‘Just goin’ to buy a game’ and my mum answers, ‘Oh! you’re not going to buy a GAME are you?’ Alarmed at this reply I say, ‘Yes, what’s wrong with that’. And then my mum comes up with the feeblest reason I’ve ever heard: ‘But, But, You’ve got games, why don’t you play with them’ And so this goes on, I’m just told that games are not worth the money (and some aren’t), and that I must put the money in the bank, but surely buying an odd game now and then won’t hurt, it’s not as if I’m always buying games, only when I see something that looks good (and I’ve played it to make sure it’s all right.) Then I’m told that I can’t buy the game, and that I should get something else. Have you got an answer on how I can explain my point of view, as all my previous attempts have failed. Thanks a lot.
Timothy Jones

DISAPPOINTMENT

Dear Lloyd
This is my first letter and it is for a good reason. I recently subscribed to CRASH. Today I got issue 30, as soon as I got it through I dived to open it for my free game. I was surprised to see I had no game, the package had not been opened so it had not fallen out. Please could you tell me what has happened to my game which is Ghosts and Goblins.
Stephen McGinley

HUNTING MINSON

Dear Sir
The articles written by Hunter S Minson leave a lot to be desired. Over the last few issues he seems to have taken to emphasising his prowess for consuming alcohol and food in vast quantities rather than commenting on the subject he is sent to cover.

I am not a spoil-sport or even a teetotaller and as I am overweight I too enjoy food, but CRASH is a computer mag not a Gourmet’s guide to software launches. You do have some responsibility to your young readers. If they start to think that is normal business practice they are in for a sharp shock. No-one is going to stand for ‘vomiting on Volvos’. We have already a hooligan element in the inner cities, why condone it in print, if it is meant to be funny IT IS NOT.
J A Attwood

PAGE THREE???

Dear CRASH
Please lend a serious and sympathetic ear to a group of female readers with a big query on — not sexual overtones this time — but something far more important — your magazine’s sexist attitudes!

Please bear with us — fans of CRASH we may be but we feel we have a genuine complaint which deserves your serious consideration. Our feelings on the subject have been brought to a head by (of all things) the advent in your May issue of a real live female STAFF WRITER — Hannah Smith!

You can’t imagine the furious arguments that have raged in our social circle since this amazing event took place.

Briefly, they amount to this. We girls are keen CRASH readers and enthusiastic Spectrum users though unlike so many of the boys of our acquaintance we don’t go ‘over the top’ about either. (We feel that like men, computers have their uses but shouldn’t be taken to extremes!) We’ve always been aware that women do not figure very noticeably in your mag. And we personally do not have any wild ambitions to figure in it ourselves (in spite of Lloyd Mangram’s appeal last month for more female slimesters! YUK!)

We know of the existence of Ms Rosetta McLeod as a ‘contributing writer’ — if she in fact exists!) but to see listed a female ‘Staff Writer’ sent CRASH up several points in our popularity polls.

However our delight was short-lived when various male friends pointed out that the aforesaid HS no doubt actually exists but not as a ‘Staff Writer’. They reckon she is in fact your answer to the popular press’s Page 3 girl and that some guy on your staff does her writing! They add — rubbing salt in the wound that she is probably somebody’s girlfriend or perhaps Graeme Kidd’s Grand-Daughter — and that she has been introduced as a kind of token ‘female’ into a male orientated magazine!

If this is so, then shame on you. We have to admit a sneaking fear that they may be right — after all, the little write-up on Ms Smith was decidedly patronizing wasn’t it? (Gorgeous, pouting etc etc) And what about Sean Masterson? Note his article on Lothlorien in the April issue — ‘While the men do battle, the women (secretaries?) keep the home fires burning’. That’s the idea Sean — keep the women in their rightful place — backing up the dynamic men!

Our spiteful little male friends are quite certain that you will prove them right by not publishing this letter. We are seriously hoping that the author of that lively fanzine article is a real live female writer — and if you’re really there Hannah (and the fellas allow you to have a look at this) — a big hello from some loyal fans! More power to your pen (or should it be your word processor!)
Helen Beckett, Sara Beckett, Lisette Menage, Liz Soanes, Sarah Gract, Becca Davies

PAGE THREE!!!

Dear Lloyd
If your mind is made up yet about having a ‘ladies page’ then why not ask the lasses to send in photos and make it a Page 3 special (If this is printed I shudder to think of the kind of ‘nice’ letters you’d receive. Unless you give my address)!

Next the ‘neat’ way Oli revamped this section. But is it obligatory to have grey splatters in the middle part (or any other part) of a letter (or even a rare poem)? Can’t Oli get his brother Franco to look at his Air brush?
Simon P Broder

BEDEVILLED BY TEMPTATION

Dear Lloyd
I want to ask you a big favour. Please could you get the subscriptions department to redesign the plastic envelopes which carry issues of CRASH through the post to subscribers?

You see, I’m a postman, and around the 20th of the month one of the houses on my round receives an issue of CRASH by subscription, six or seven days before I have got mine. So far, I have resisted the temptation to open the envelope up and pore over CRASH’S wonderful contents, but this act of denial cannot continue for much longer as my will-power is rapidly diminishing.

Therefore either ask the ‘subs Dept’ to make the plastic folder open at one end or make the envelope a plain brown one so the temptation to open is kept to a minimum.
Yours Truly, The postman off the Maxwell House Advert

ARROGANT ADVICE?

Dear Mr Mangram
I can’t understand the whinging schoolkids who say they can’t afford all the CRASH Smashes each month, and therefore have to copy other people’s tapes to play the games. Well if they save up and buy one CRASH Smash, by the time they have completed the game they will have saved enough to buy another one. There is no use stock-piling all the CRASH Smashes because if a game gets a Smash it is most likely a brilliant game that will get you hooked, so you won’t have time to play any others.

As a working person, I could afford every CRASH Smash every month but I don’t buy every one as playing every one of them to their full potential would be impossible. So stop moaning and start playing the games for what they are worth, you don’t win prestige points for owning every CRASH Smash, with every one pirated.
Andi ‘The Arrogant’ Kirbyshaw

A πMANIAC WRITES

Dear Cwashy
If you start giving Smashes to games that are innovative, and to them only, I will make you play THE GREAT SPACE RACE! That would be a bloody stupid thing to do (the Smashes, stoopid), because innovative games can be SO unplayable (Hi MEL), and computers are there for enjoyment, not farting around saying how good innovative games are. I have met, and had numerous conversations with Mel Croucher, and he strikes me as very intelligent, so Mel don’t waste it building up enemies. (I am still a devoted PIMANIAC, my number is 35. Maybe us PIMANIACs should meet at a Microfair).

I have noticed a few things about games ads. Smaller, independent companies (Gargoyle, Mosaic, Automata) have better ads. They are funny, can give clues or are plain entertaining. But ads by Ocean, Elite et al are dead boring, often badly drawn (Legend of the amazingly Badly Drawn Women) and are generally useless, except Mikro-Gen (HI OLI!). this is another sign of how much ‘nicer’ indie companies are. I recently led, sorry, read a letter in PCW (I think) about someone who couldn’t get his chewed up copy of Golf (by Argus Press Software) replaced. I had a similar problem of Technician Ted being chewed up, but it got replaced for no fee or problems, with a friendly reply from the Hewsons, so that shows how more pleasant these companies are (and it shows in their games).

DOGS (dogs?). Why are doggies being used in games and ads now. The first was PIDO, but there’s now PODDY, the OFFOG, the Pyracurse doggy and BONZO, from Jack the Nipper. And of course doggies in Trashman and Saboteur. Why? When will there be the first doggy hero?
Luv Bones, (Fellow Pimaniacs please write)

TAKEBACK PROBLEMS

Dear Lloyd
HELP! Do you know, by any chance, the address of CRL or SILVERSOFT? I’d like to send them my copy of Bored of the Rings, as it doesn’t load. But the ads don’t carry the address; the inlay card doesn’t help, either. Any clues, please?

Do you think you could ask the Ed (blessed be his name etc) to INSIST that all companies put an address on their ads? It’s a bit stupid of them to leave it off — it doesn’t take up that much space, and it IS essential. If your local computer store doesn’t stock the game, you can’t buy it! Really sensible, eh? (OK, forgot CRASH Mail Order, but you wouldn’t replace my copy, would you? I didn’t get it from you!)
Yours pseudomorphically (LMLWD), John Yeates

The Valente Papers

1

Dear Lloyd
I feel I must reply to a couple of points raised in S Valente’s letter (Issue No 30). He said that Ultimate has ‘gone to the dogs’ so to speak, and that their latest releases have been a load of crap. This is a very unfair statement, although I must agree that Nightshade was not up to Ultimate’s standard. BUT how can they get away with saying that Gunfright is a load of rubbish too? I think that Gunfright is one of Ultimate’s best and I think that a quick glance through the back copies of CRASH Hotline Top 30 says the lot. Also, who would be foolish enough to pay the least bit of attention to a second rate mag like PCW (sorry LM!) that said that Cyberun was also very poor.

Cyberun in my humble opinion is sheer brilliance, so is Pentagram and I think you will agree with me too, right LM? So before S Valente or anyone else starts slagging Ultimate off, I suggest that they play the games first and then form their own views (But that would be asking too much of you Mr Valente, wouldn’t it?)

I’ve got one more gripe to make, and it’s on CRASH (gosh horror!!). Yes, I mean Hunter S Minson. Who is this stupid little prat? I think his ‘fantasy’ stories on orgies of gutsing and boozing are very boring to say the least. Personally I don’t care if he had a chip buttie or chicken in soya sauce. What he writes (?) is a load of irrelevant tripe, and he can try and rip out my liver if he wants to as well. But I digress. Please LM you complain about lack of space, why not get rid of him and use the page for something ‘a little more constructive’. Blackmail Mr Kidd by hiding his Docs or something but get rid of Minson!!!!

Well I’ve said enough! I hope your runner beans are coming along well and I wish Hannah Smith the best of luck in her ‘Duel to the Death’.
Mr C H Evans

2

Dear Lloyd
I have decided to write (well I typed actually) to you on the subject raised by S Valente in the JULY issue of CRASH. He says that he thinks that reviewing poor games is just a waste of time and space and if they must be reviewed at all it must very briefly. But on the contrary, I feel you should review them. Not just to show readers some of the poor games out at the moment so as to maintain a balance between good and poor games, but so as to keep readers aware to the fact that there is some real rubbish out there and they must steer well away from it. Besides, I find it quite amusing to sit back and read about some pathetic new game getting totally slagged from all quarters. Maybe that doesn’t say much for me but if Software companies are going to turn out this load of complete and utter MUCK then you as decent and fair reviewers have every right to give it a good going over. And it is only fair that us sitting at home should be warned not to buy the rubbish.

Take US Gold for example. They did exceedingly well. They produced game after game, every one of them excellent and of the highest standards. BUT then in March they released the long awaited Zorro. You reviewed it that month and gave it an overall 53%. A bit of a let down for US Gold. Then in the July edition of CRASH I noticed a review of the infamous World Cup Carnival. 26% it said at the foot of the page. I read the review and nearly passed out when I discovered it was by US Gold.

Now, had CRASH not reviewed these games and thus not informed the every day peasant of the disgusting quality of these games many people may have rushed out thinking: “US Gold have released the long awaited Zorro. Must buy it...” £8 down the drain THEN:

“US Gold have released World Cup Carnival... Must buy that too because US Gold write excellent programs...” £10 down the same drain... (with the game following close behind). Only people who don’t buy CRASH would have bought those games and THEY deserve all they get. (HAH!!!)

So what I am saying is you must keep printing the BAD! games so’s we know what NOT to buy. Like I always say ‘FOREWARNED IS FORARMED’ (or summink like that.)
Jan Cook

3

Dear Lloyd
I am writing to you with regard to S Valente’s letter published in Issue no 30’s FORUM. Mega-drivel are the only words fit to describe it. He/She or IT whichever the case may be, has not only wasted the ink in IT’s pen, but the space in your previously un-scathed forum, and the time of many readers.

The first point made concerned software delays. I suppose any future software published by S Valente would arrive dead on schedule without any hiccoughs. Unforseen circumstances do have a tendency to crop up occasionally you know, like Bugs in the program, illnesses, favourite Grandma’s funeral. They are bound to upset even the strictest schedules.

Point 2: Subscription delays. More unforseen circumstances and more S, H, one, T from S Valente, the reader with the IQ smaller than the Valente shoe size. Distributing thousands upon millions of magazines each month can’t be the easiest job in the world. Snags, again, will occur: this cannot be helped. Subscribers such as myself just have to accept it. If their magazine is late, fair enough, it’s not as if it’s a deliberate mistake. After all nobody’s perfect, least of all S Valente.

Point 3: Ultimate’s downfall. More mega-drivel. I wish S Valente would suffer a downfall, preferably off a short cliff. To me, Ultimate are the world’s top software producers. If their programmers are prepared to spend months polishing a game up to the extent they do, then surely they are entitled to reuse an idea. If S Valente dislikes any Ultimate software I will be only too pleased to receive it, as being unfortunate enough not to own a Swiss bank account, the miserly income at my disposal means I can ill afford to purchase more than one game every two months.

Where would us games players be without Ultimate? No Gunfrights Alien 8s or Sabre Wulfs to mention a few; life just wouldn’t be worth living. I can’t think of one Ultimate game reviewed in CRASH which has failed to receive a Smash.

Point 4: Fair enough my tape recorder’s hardly technologically advanced (Taiwan-ologically advanced is nearer) but all the same I do have problems with turbo loaders. I manage though mainly by exchanging the game for a new copy (thanks Micro-Fun in Barnsley for being so co-operative over this.) As for removing the Lenslok code... pah! Now that is ‘pure unadulterated crap’ for you. The percentage of people who can do this must be microscopic (a good word for describing S Valente’s brain capacity). In fact if prices weren’t so high, piracy levels would also fall which brings me to the next point.

Point 5: Discount software. This is the only point I agree with but then again, what’s wrong with cheap software?

Point 6: Reviews. If it weren’t for CRASH reviewing ‘dross games’ then there would be a sight more divvies buying them. I unfortunately am one such divvy but after purchasing several trash games, the ones CRASH don’t give a good review don’t get bought (or pirated for that matter.) Another thing, not many programmers are so talented that they can release their first game and then have the privilege of sitting back, watching it climb the charts whilst reaping in the royalties. Remember, no-one’s perfect and everyone has to start somewhere. You never know, one of next month’s CRASH Smashes may have been written by the author of one of last months ‘dross games’. Keep it up CRASH, and Ultimate. 10 out of 10 so far, with or without subscription delays.
Jonathan Dale

GIRLIE TAKEOVER?

Dear Lloyd
I feel I must warn you that CRASH is being taken over by women. There are at least four female members of staff named in the magazine and God knows how many more there are lurking in the canteen at Newsfield waiting to overpower you and turn CRASH into another woman’s monthly full of knitting patterns and recipes.

I only hope this warning does not come too late as I observe that already Robin Candy’s position has been taken over by a woman who insists on printing POKEs to make games harder, I suggest you take my advice and confine the female members of your staff to making the tea and pushing the hoover around, which is after all what they’re here for isn’t it? And meanwhile us men can get on with the more intellectually demanding business of playing the computer games and writing magazines.
Mr P Schofield

MESS OF POTTAGE

Dear Lloyd
I just thought I would make my opinion known about the layout of CRASH. In reply to Douglas Robertson’s letter in July’s issue of CRASH, I totally disagree with him, all reviews should be like the Smashes: colourful and very nice to look at, even if the review itself is not that kind. Strangely, I find that I feel that it is my duty to read all of your wonderful magazine, even to plough through the boring 10% overall reviews. The least CRASH can do is make them look nice.

I’d like to say a few things about the divisions of CRASH into sections eg CRASH Course, Adventure Trail, etc. BORING! Why don’t you just spread these sections throughout the magazine as you do with the arcade and arcade/adventure reviews. All you need to do is state what type of game it is at the top of the page.

Many improvement have recently been made to CRASH: On the Screen and the Homegrown Software section — I will be sending off for my copy of Supernova. Hannah Smith has added a touch of class to the Playing Tips section and she also looks much more attractive than Robin Candy.

The ‘GENESIS, Birth of a Game’ competition is the best competition idea I have seen yet, which provides both fame and fortune to the lucky (and talented) entrant. But what a stupid time at year to have it, just in the middle of the exam season, I personally have had a brilliant and original idea for a game but have not had time to develop it. And I have only had end-of-year exams. I feel sorry for the CSE/O level and A level takers who probably could have thought of a better idea than mine.
Robin Grant

CONSISTENCY COMPLAINT

Dear Lloyd
Stand back and prepare for a barrage of criticism. One of the problems with CRASH at the moment is inconsistency (mind you, you are pretty consistent in ignoring all my letters). It seems that you are not sure what type of audience to aim at (compare John Minson’s decidedly ‘adult’ style with the overtly childish Bug Box — has it gone for good? — Hall of Slime, LMLWD and now the MYSTICAL SUBSCRIBER NUMBER), and end up with at times a rather pathetic mish-mash. This is also reflected in the FORUM which, as you yourself have acknowledged, occasionally degenerates into infantile triviality. I am not about to cancel my subscription or anything like that, because although the bad bits can be embarrassingly bad, the many more good bits can be exceedingly good. However I do feel it’s time you opted for consistency and so I urge you to drop the puerile facets of CRASH; after all the average CRASH reader is a mature teenager. I know the computing industry is fairly light hearted, but it is possible to be witty or entertaining without being childish.
S G Young

INS AND OUTS IN AGAIN?

Dear Lloyd

IN	OUT
Ghosts and Goblins Shaded Alien 8 clones Hannah Smith Jack the Nipper Starstrike 2 Previews World Cup Carnival Diego Maradona Summer Cruz’s Boxing Alan Sugar Oliver Frey’s Ear Batman 128K Spectrum Streethawk 2 Bounder Bangles Bambi Match Point Match Day Deuce	Rock ’N Wrestle Alien 8 clones Matthew Smith Herbert Week Space Raiders Reviews World Cup Soccer Elite’s Basketball Spring McGuigan’s Boxing Robin Candy Van Gogh’s Ear Robin O’ The Wood ZX81 Streethawk 1 Bounces Biggles Rambo First Blood Part II Match Day Match Point Cherry Coke

SLOBBER DROOL

Dear Lloyd
Please stop dribbling on the FORUM pages, Issue No. 29.
Yours soaked, Robert Phelyes

CATCH 128?

Dear Lloyd
You asked 128 owners to write in with their side of the story so here I am. First I’d like to say that the 128 is an excellent computer despite the 15% of 48K games that don’t load. The music is brilliant and the games are longer because of the extra memory. Knight Tyme is a good example of a great 128 game. But people have been writing in and saying that if the software companies don’t make enough games then they won’t buy the computer. The software companies say that they are waiting for 128 sales to go up before they start making any decent games. This is a Catch 22 situation.

However, if more people bought the computer the software companies would make more games and everyone would be happy. Also seeing as the 128 Spectrum’s price is down to £139 it isn’t far off the old 48K’s original price. And look how many people afforded to buy that? In my opinion, the 48K has reached its technical peak. The 128 leaves room for improvement. Look at it this way. If the 128 does as well as the 48K, CRASH will keep going for many more years to come.
Derin Agilgat