Ho Hum. Another eventful year comes to an end and the only polite thing to do is thank all the people and organisations whose efforts made 1985 fun and successful. Ta.
CRASH Towers started the year with what seemed like an endless supply of empty dungeons and corridors in which half a dozen people rattled around like peas in an empty supertanker. The spiders had room to breathe — but little to eat.
Now, twelve months later, we share our pitifully small offices with mountains of binders, the ZZAP! crew (whose arrival with a vanload of chattels and mess from Yeovil dramatically reduced our Lebensraum) and lots of new members of staff. It’s difficult to avoid tripping over people, nowadays, as CRASH Towers is bursting at the seams with minions, reviewers, writers, gophers, gophers’s gophers, artpersons, editors, NECs, Apricots, Commodores and Amstrads. And the spiders are growing fat on the scraps of hurried office lunches.
Soon we will be wading through your Readers’ Awards forms, and collating the results. On a lighter note, let’s proceed with the CRASH Writer’s Awards:
Oliver Frey — an award for remaining in the Art Garret of the Towers, painting covers with stinky inks with little regard for his health, sanity and complexion. AN UNCLOGGABLE AIRBRUSH
Franco Frey — for ploughing his way through endless reams of technobabble to render the incomprehensible, comprehensible. And for ruling the Mail Order department with a rod of... well with a firm hand. A SELF-SIGNING GOLDEN CHEQUEBOOK.
David Western — for liaising with advertisers beyond the call of final deadlines, and for convincing our printers that we may be a day late but are still nice fellows. A SELF-FILLING, BOTTOMLESS TEA MUG.
Jeremy Spencer — for Editing Software, introducing us to Amstrads, wittering on endlessly about Amstrads, and then deserting to AMTIX! (and continuing to witter on about “Straddles”) A FRIENDLY POKE IN THE EYE WITH A WET SPONGE while he witters on about Amstrads
John Minson — for scampering round the streets of London, attending launches and getting lots of freebie booze and grub down his neck before writing news items. A NICE, SOBER, PLAIN WHITE Van Heusen SHIRT
Gary Liddon — for deserting Domark, leaving them tealess, and coming to CRASH Towers and leaving us tealess while he covers the office in breakfast breadcrumbs. AN INEDIBLE RUBBER SANDWICH
Roger Kean — for running off to an becoming a Publishing Executive. SECOND GO AT THE WET SPONGE
Robin Candy — for spoiling the fun of people who can’t bear not to read his pages, and for covering the office in Crisp Packets (empty). THE OLD PLAYING TIPS LOGO FOR ALL TIME
Auntie Aggie — for wearing her fingers to the bone as she sends off all your goodies while entertaining telephone callers. A GOLDEN JIFFY BAG
Dennis, the Subscription Queen — for appearing in the gossip column of the industry newspaper, Computer Trade Weekly. A PAGE THREE APPEARANCE IN “COOKS AND COOKERY”
The Competition Minion — for pestering people to stump up prizes, setting competitions and hiding in the broom cupboard. A ROUND OF DRINKS AT THE FROG AND LILYPAD (he pays)
Lloyd Mangram — for assiduously (LMLWD) declining to be photographed, continually demanding more money and less work despite immense royalties earned on his dictionary, and for fighting off all the bugs in Bug Box. A BOTTLE OF HERMES CLEANING FLUID
Graeme Kidd — as nominated by the other inhabitants of the Towers — for frightening us all by shaving his head, wearing big shiny red Doc Martens and drinking too much Old Flatulence Bitter. A GREEN MOHICAN WIG
Messrs Penn and Rignall from ZZAP! — for mess-making beyond the call of duty, and changing the air in CRASH Towers to a subtle shade of blue. A TANKER FULL OF STYLING MOUSSE (three week’s supply)
Ben Stone — for being a trendy London wide-boy who feels undressed without at least a Pringle Jumper, Nike shoes and stonewash jeans. A TESCO TEARAWAY ROMPER SUIT
Sally Newman, Mail Order Dragon — for nagging everyone beyond the call of duty A BOX OF FIRELIGHTERS TO GET STARTED ON COLD WINTER MORNINGS
De Grays, purveyors of sandwiches and sweetmeats to the Ludlow cognoscenti (LMLWD again), and to Gary Liddon — A REQUEST. Could you bar Gary Liddon? Pretty please?
And finally, to Poddy, Mr Spencer’s Dog — for keeping the office plant well watered. A BITE OUT OF MR LIDDON (And serve them both right, too)
And on that fine note, all that’s left to do is wish all our readers, advertisers, printers, distributors, newsagents, typesetters, as well as software houses A HAPPY CHRISTMAS.
End of public service announcement. It’s time to start work on the February issue. See you then...