Crash for President!

Wotcha, bods! Well it’s February again, the month of massive electric bills, cars that won’t start, a humungous suicide rate and weather so cold the bogies freeze up your nose — doesn’t it make you feel great? No? Oh well, you can’t help being misey-basts, can you?

At least it’s Valentine’s Day soon. Last year, the postman almost broke his back bringing all Nick’s cards to the office, then we opened ’em and found they were all from himself! The only genuine one was rather grubby and turned out to be from a mentally defective wombat. Nick was so delighted he rushed straight out and proposed. The couple are now living in marital bliss in a centrally heated conker tree outside the office.

Anyway, as far as CRASH goes this month (can you ever get enough?) we’ve got all the bestest news, reviews and previews, Techni-Talk, SAM Page, a CRASH Vs ZZAP! Vs SEGA FORCE Inter-Magazine, Fight-to-the-Death Game Challenge and a Valentine spesh. And your front page freebies include the classics of yesteryear, Battle Valley and Head The Ball, as well as Poke Zone and a super-duper Double Dragon demo.

Ta-ra, seeja next month!


Starring Lucy, Nick, Mark and Warren

Pigs might fly and Hitler was a Samaritan. Let’s face it, there’s more chance of that than sticking to your New Year’s resolutions. But year after year, after the Christmas festivities are all over, people take a long look at their disgusting selves and resolve to turn into saints by giving up everything which gives them the slightest bit of pleasure — then give up giving up by about lunchtime, January 1. Here’s a few the CRASH team broke...


Since I’m utterly perfect, it’s pretty difficult to find something to give up (I don’t count my chronic alcoholism, the £10,000-a-day drug habit and some rather nasty incidents with Nicko, two straws, a pomegranate and a deflated water wing).

I suppose I could keep the office carpet cleaner by taking the razor blades off the whip I use on Corky (but he’d be so disappointed). I could resolve to do the washing-up, but then I did that one last year and I actually carried it out — once. The only one I can genuinely make and stick to is to make CRASH the best Speccy mag in the world (not difficult since it already is!).

NICK — Dep Ed

The one thing I’ve decided to cut out in 1992 is wearing women s underwear... naa, not really, I could never give that up. I’ve decided to do more exercise. Instead of driving the .002 of a mile to work every morning, I’ll start walking (with a Walkman to keep my ears occupied, of course).

The local swimming pool is where you’ll find me at weekends, complete with snorkel set and flippers, and I might even go and work out down the gym! You’ll all have to call me Nick ‘Arnie Schwarzenegger’ Roberts by this time next year! (HA HA HA! And lions are vegetarian! — Ed.)

MARK — Office Punch Bag

Like Nick, I’m starting to become a bit of a fatty, so it’s off to the local gym for me — especially after the office Chrimble party, which ended with a punch-up (everyone dived under the tables to look for lost contact lenses). A couple of months ago I made a pre-New Year vow to become teetotal. All the money I wasted on booze is now going to pay for a car.

I also vow not to print any more silly Zapf Dingbat (decorative little shapes — Prod Ed) messages — the last one earned me a black eye (I vow to keep away from women with strong right hooks). I also promise to do the washing-up in our house, or at least load up the dishwasher. And last but by no means least I vow to return to CRASH one day (as I’ll very soon be defecting to ZZAP!).


Before I go on, I hope our designer, Charlie Chubb, resolves to pay more attention — in last issue’s Crash Corner I looked just like Mark (ugh!)! As for my resolutions... In the past, I’ve strongly resolved never to make any New Year resolutions, and unsurprise unsurprise, I’ve kept that promise. I don’t like having to stick to decisions — what if I change my mind? — but just for CRASH, I’ll make an exception this year, with three tough vows:

  1. I resolve not to juggle three gerbils, an advocado and a pair of Oxo cubes while balancing a stick of rhubarb on the end of my nose and reciting the complete works of Shakespeare in Japanese. Backwards.
  2. I resolve not to make a scale model of the Eiffel Tower using the supporting cast of Take the High Road, with The Hong Kong Book Of Kong-Fu as the lift.
  3. I resolve not to abseil down the front of BBC TV Centre in London, dash into the Going Live! studio and say to Gordon The Gopher, ‘Wey-hey, how’s that for a polka-dot theodolite?’

Deary me, I’m going to have such a tricky time keeping those, eh viewers?