Lucy's Letters

Hello, my little horrible gungy bits that fester in the corner of your eyes in the morning. What’s the crack? It’s been a hive of activity in the CRASH office this month (though why a bunch of bees are even awake never mind stinging Corky’s bum at this time of year is beyond me), people rushing around trying to get everything finished so they can bugger off on holiday. Lazy basts — string ’em up, I reckon! Bring back slavery and the rack and anything else nasty you can think of. It’s been a sad month, though. Corky Caswell’s popped his clogs as far as CRASH is concerned — he’s eloped with a Commodore 64 so filling his shoes is Alan Green, and he’s a vegetarian — it’s about time CRASH got a bit ecologically minded. We had some great letters this month so get stuck in. Keep ’em coming to: CRASH, Europress Impact, Ludlow,. And don’t forget the £40 software voucher for Letter of the Month!

Gerbil Warfare

The news of Richard Eddy’s demise came as a great blow to me. I knew Richard when he was knee high to a Black & Decker. We used to while away the hours playing Doctors and Nurses (he was a dab hand with a stethoscope) or visit the local art gallery and crayon in the bits that Picasso had missed!

We went to school together, me and ‘Ready Eddy’ (that was his nickname), and did he ever tell you about the time when Mrs Chucklebottom, the biology teacher, caught him kissing Madeline, the school gerbil?! What a scream! Oh, the heady days of youth!

I’ve heard that he’s got a job as a PR person for a rather infamous software company. A vicious rumour, I fear. I spotted him recently in Woolworths in Stoke-On-Trent, busily filling the Pick ’N’ Mix shelves and shovelling nut brittle into the back pocket of his dungarees.

A sad occasion, indeed, and may I take this opportunity to thank Richard for the £800 he lent me some time back. Fret not Rich, it’s gone to a good cause, I’ve opened a sanctuary for sick magpies in Chipping Sodbury. Cheers, mate.
GR Jackson (Miss)

Listen girlie, you’re obviously completely crackers and I don’t believe a single word of this (but tell me more anyway). I’m sure Richard won’t mind splashing out that money for such a worthy cause. He always was a bird lover (usually of the two-legged variety, though). But since you’ve uncovered these dark and dangerous secrets of Monsieur Eddy (the really exciting ones are unprintable!), you get the £40 software voucher.

Lushcake Longings

Please help! I’m manically depressed. It all started when I went down my local supermarket and saw a magazine I found oddly familiar. RUDDY HELL! CRASH is back! I bought it and bounced all the way home, only to find Richard ‘light of my life’ Eddy had gone (boo-hoo!)

First it sent me all loopy and I couldn’t sleep for distress. I even put my ‘Life is a Big Con’ notice back on my wall, then my writing went all wobbly. So to calm myself down I made some ‘Choc-chip Lushcakes’ and scoffed the lot. Now I feel much better and less suicidal. At least Rich went to a decent software house, I guess.

Anyway, watch those pop charts ’cos Slaves These Days (my band) will be at Number One longer than Bryan Adams when we release the song I wrote ’specially for Rich — Excellent City! And damn good it is too.

Wherever you are, I LOVE YOU, RICH!!!
Gemma ‘The Hedgehog’ Pooley

Do tell, Gemma, does ‘The Hedgehog’ signify stupid spikey hair or is it a fetish of yours to run around on motorways, getting squished by two-ton artics? I showed Richie-poos your letter and he ran straight home and made you some lush-cakes which he was gonna send you special delivery. Unfortunately, he’s a fat bast so he stuffed ’em all down his throat on his way to the post office. Never mind — it’s the thought that counts!

Music To Your Death Bed!

Yo Lucy-babes, how’s it going down in Ludlow? I’ve nothing to do so I thought I’d write a Christmas poem for the CRASH Crew (cough, cough, ahem).

(Sing to the While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks tune)

While Speccy’s cleaned their keys by night
All sitting in their cupboards
An SAS agent from ZZAP! came down
And nicked mine and my brother’s

The next morning was Christmas Day
And I had got a new game
When I found the cupboard bare
I almost went insane

Instead I looked all round the house
To try and find some clues
On the floor were Commodore wires
And prints from someone’s shoes

I took the stuff down to the cops
And to the forensic lab
They said the stuff belonged to ZZAP!
I said ‘That mag used to be fab’

I jogged my way down to ZZAP! Towers
And confronted them with my fist
One shot me with my Speccy light gun
And I said ‘Ha! You missed’

I took my precious Speccy back
And in a ZZAP! car home we rode
I stuck my new game in the deck
Then smashed it up ’cos it wouldn’t load!

I hope that’s worth a E40 voucher!
Sam (don’t laugh) Fox

HA HA HA HA HA!!! Titter, snigger etc! I don’t know if you’re a girl or a bloke, Sam, but I’d say your singing is about as CRAP as the other Sam Fox (she of the enormous knockers). Actually, it was pretty good, especially as we made Corky stand on the desk in a choir boy costume and sing it at the top of his voice. Not good enough for a £40 voucher, though. Sorry.

Excellent Everything

I’d like to compliment you on having such brilliant reviews, previews, competitions, letters (?), hi-scores, tips and especially your Powertapes! Your mag is absolutely excellent!

Fancy having The Lords of Midnight on the tape! Amazing! Issue 92 was really something and Issue 94... Lemmings playable demo! The Double Dare playable demo was just like a complete game! And Boulderdash Construction Kit was wicked!

I thought it was a great idea to have a Top 100 of the readers’ choice.

Reviews? Totally brilliant! Why? Because you don’t do a gigantic title in a flashy way so you don’t have room for text. I’d say exactly the same about the previews. CRASH is the best magazine in the world.
Ian Smith

Wow, it’s extremely nice to be appreciated for a change — thank you, Ian, we aim to please! I would advise you to get some valium, though, you seem a bit over-excited to me. Well, NUTS, to be precise.

Pretty Portuguese Please!

I’m writing to ask if you could put me in contact with Spectrum +3 users in England. I own a Spectrum +3 and I’ve formed a major club of Spectrum +3 users which includes 15 users from Spain and Portugal. Since I don’t know any +3 users in your country, I wonder if you could print my address so they can get in touch with me?
Eurico Oscar Coves


CRASH of Bethlehem

Hooray! Yippee, and other associated noises! Now I can throw away the silly disguises as the essential Spec mag is back on the shelves again! Welcome back, CRASH, it’s been very dark in the world of Spec until your shining light illuminated the depths of YS and SU I’d been forced to sink to. But now I can hold my head up high and purchase the most essential accessory to the Sinclair machine.

But wait a mo... Wat dis? No loon? Where is de Jetman? Wahappen to ’im? Has he deduced that the new Ed is in fact a female woman and dun runner? I hope not ’cos the loon should realise dat wimmen is really essential...

It’s good to see you back, and let me say I like CRASH, even without the loon, but bring ’im back please! Also congrats on having the gumption to have a female Ed. Make the sexist Nicko work, he gives the rest of us chaps a bad name. Above all, keep up the good work and I shall endeavour to help you defeat the horrid aliens from the planet GONEBUST and give Liquidatorous a kick in his flexible assets and bash over the antennae.
Mike Carter (signed in the blood of a GONEBUSTIAN)

Sorry pal, no can do. We discovered Jetman in possession of a brain cell so we turfed him out for breach of contract (men aren’t allowed such things around here nowadays — in fact if Maggie Thatcher is the Iron Lady, I’m an industrial press!). We got no more probs with GONEBUST (I hope not, anyway) but thanks for the offer, and as for making Nicko work — it’ll be a pleasure!

Spooky Speccy

Did you know that you can use the voice sampler that came with the September issue to find subliminal messages hidden backwards in songs. To perform this simple but deadly spooky experiment, just follow these step:

  1. Get a copy of the song you want to try on tape and play it on the Speccy as normal.
  2. Select the reverse option to get a backwards copy of the song.
  3. Play it and listen hard for messages.

One song worth trying is Another One Bites the Dust by Queen. Play the chorus backwards to get a message about marijuana. Spooky, huh?
Robert Challis

Well weird! We tried your theory with the aforementioned Queen song (may Freddie rest in peace) and although it’s not very clear, you could be right. Very observant, Robert — go to the top of the class.

Moaning Minnie

First of all, can I say welcome back to all at CRASH, it’s been hell since you’ve been gone. I even turned to Y*** S******* for comfort but it’s c**p (sa y what you mean matey, call a turd a turd)! I think it’s staffed by a load of yobs judging by the way they boast of being thrown out of exhibitions.

I’m sorry to hear that Lloyd is off on his perambulations, he always was a Shining Wit.

You don’t say who’s who in the group photo of Issue 94 but I think you must be the one in the middle row (the one with her eyes closed, apparently dreaming of chocolate).

By the way, why did it say Top 100 Speccy games and yet you only listed 50? You really must get your memories seen to! And the Lemmings controls didn’t match the descriptions but I’m sure that was only a she effect of all the pressure you must have been under to get back on the streets (poor dears, heady back slappin’ all round). Anyway, all the best for the future.
David P Hutt

PS Will Lunar Jetman be back some time and are you still running a mail order service?

First of all, I must refute, categorically and emphatically, that I’ve ever been on the streets — anyone who says otherwise wins one hell of a law suit and a smack in the gob!

I can’t comment on the excremental value of YS but I’ll take your word for it. I think you’ve got a little bit confused with your description of Lloyd — shouldn’t the ‘SH’ and the ‘W’ be swapped round? Yes, that dreadful photo was moi — but it sure wasn’t choccy I was dreaming about!

You really are a whinger, aren’t you? The Lemmings c***-up was in fact a deliberate mistake designed to test your intelligence (you failed) and the first half of the Top 100 was printed in the previous two issues, so there, smart arse!

Jetman has ceased to be but our mail order section is still in operation.

That’s your lot, so au revoir, tootle-pip, tatty-bye and things. Have a big sloppy kiss on me for Valentine’s Day. Keep those letters, pictures and photos coming — whatever the topic to: LUCY’S LETTERS, CRASH, Europress Impact, Ludlow.