Greeeeetings, my little ear wax specimens! How’s it hangin’? (slowly and painfully for maximum strangulation purposes, I hope). I’ve had a stack of letters whinging about this, that and the other this month, which is fair enough — what else is an agony aunt for, eh? Well listen up. When things are going really badly, when all you want to do is fold yourself into a salt ’n’ vinegar flavoured crisp bag forever and ever and even the cockroaches are deserting you, don’t despair, just take on board my sacred philosophy: ‘LIFE’S A BITCH... AND SO AM I’
With that attitude in life you can’t go wrong, ’cos if things aren’t going too well you can just go out and cause someone else loadsa grief which makes you feel so much better. Anyway, I’ve decided you lot out there are a complete load of nutters. Your letters are getting crazier all the time. And you know what? I LOVE IT! Keep ’em coming, together with all your cartoons, photos and pictures. Next month we’re running an ‘Ugly Mug’ page so I want the most hideous photos of yourselves that you’ve got. The winner gets a mystery prize from the CRASH goody bag. Send it all to: LUCY’S LETTERS, CRASH, Europress Impact, Ludlow. And don’t forget the £40 software voucher for the letter of the month.
I’m a 14-year-old closet weirdo/trainspotter/Timmy Mallet fan and a self diagnosed schizophrenic. My body is the residence of two people with different wills (you have no idea how hard it is to do simple things like eat a Crunchy bar and wipe your bum at the same time) and the worst thing is — I’m not even always the same two persons! The other day I was Maggie Thatcher (boy, that was a shock!), the day belore I was a banana!
Having been just about everyone in the country, I sign my name differently with every incarnation. So you probably haven’t realised that I’ve sent every single letter ever printed in CRASH, making me fabulously rich.
You probably think I’m mad (and maybe I am) but what can you do about it? Send me loadsa money for some medical help, give me Claire Rayner’s address — I don’t know.
I must go now as in having one of my turns
Oh dear, you really are in a state, aren’t you? Well don’t worry about
it, lovie, this sort of thing is very normal for an adolescent. Just
follow these three simple steps and you’ll be fine: 1. Buy a good
sharp knife. 2. Insert it in your cranium. 3. Being careful to keep a
straight line, cut yourself completely in half. Simple, eh? No more
split personality (wow, sometimes I excel myself).
I’m writing to express my horror to find that the CRASH
team are all Devil Worshippers. I’ve discovered that playing a CRASH
Powertape backwards at a slow speed reveals secret satanic messages! It’s
my guess that you’re trying to brainwash the entire nation with these
tapes and as a result I have burnt my entire collection. Please stop trying to
take over the world by these means as Neighbours is just getting good. I leave
this in your capable hands.
PS All of the above is B******S!
PPS Please excuse my French.
Gosh Mr Hartley, what an honour to have the star of a popular
phone book ad writing to our humble office. I must grovellingly say I read your
Fly Fishing book from cover to cover and thought it was... a load of CRAP!
Basically, you boring old fart (anyone who likes Neighbours has to be a boring
git), why didn’t you make like a Guy Falkes and throw yourself on your
CRASH Powertape bonfire (and if you ever call my hands capable again I’ll
In reply to R Johnson’s letter in ish 95, I had a strange Powertape phenomenon that shocked me greatly. I shall start at the beginning!
Not long after the evil plague that swept the world making it void of CRASH had passed, I received Issue 95 of the magazine containing, I quote, ‘Crucial Sinclair Spectrum Action’. ‘Ahhh!’ I thought, ‘something to brighten up my dull, worthless little life and that of my horribly innocent Spectrum +2’. But, nay, I did not, nor ever could conceive of how it would change my poor unsuspecting, grey-cased little pal (sob!).
I proceeded in the most civilised of manners to load up the Powertape concerned. Hmmm! Not bad games. Then... it happened. I was loading the Titanic Blinky demo when a deep satanic voice arose from my TV commanding me to kneel before the Prince of Darkness!
Suddenly (as if done with a cheap and rather unimpressive visual effect), a large puff of smoke arose from my Spectrum and there stood Jeremy Beadle, Lord of all Darkness and King of Evil. He commanded me to watch You’ve Been Framed every week or I’d rot for eternity in his garage with only re-runs of the (appalling) show Beadle’s About and back issues of Your Sinclair to entertain (?) me.
Please help me with my mighty dilemma. I know not which is worst. My
Spectrum isn’t working anymore (would you if JB had materialised out of
your expansion port — oo-er). Please, please please help me! Auf watzit!
Ernest Van Blobbenshwaffer III
PS Will you please marry me?
Having to face Beadle’s About would be child’s play
compared with marrying me. We’re talking a fate worse than having your
trousers ripped off and being tied to a lamp post in sub-zero temperatures
here. On the other hand, the other punishment for not watching You’ve
Been Framed is too hideous to contemplate, so if I were you I’d get a
nice easy chair and settle down to a night in front of the TV.
I recently purchased a Swiss cheese called Frank, only to find
it had a CRASH Powertape affixed to its rear. I think there’s been some
sort of mistake, because Frank usually has a Swiss cheese Powertape attached
to the front. I’m returning the CRASH Powertape and hope you can send me
Frank’s Swiss cheese Powertape or anything of similar priceage, ie, a
BMX, a Vivaldi CD or a Pepperami. Thank you for your support. I hope you can
fulfil my wish.
Kevin Phillips, OBE, MBE, HG Wells
PS A Cheddar cheese Powertape will certainly not do. So don’t try it...
When I lived in the depths of Welsh farming country, if someone
really narked you, the accepted practice was chucking them in the nearest muck
spreader, hence filling their mouths with **** and rendering them speechless.
So all I’ve got to say to you, plank, is take your Swiss cheese and GET
IN THE SPREADER (then you can have cheese spread — HO HO!).
Since you spend your time passing judgement on others, I thought it was time you had a taste of your own medicine. Here’s my view on CRASH 96 — including percentages!
I find CRASH Corner a most amusing and enlightening view of the CRASH crew, although I suspect certain people lie or exaggerate. Or both. It’s also the only page where you can see everyone’s caricature. What an odd looking bunch! Lucy looks like Liza Minelli with scrambled egg spread all over her bonce. Nick looks like a baked bean sporting a Vanilla Ice haircut, Corky’s Lon Chaney Jnr’s stunt double, and Warren’s got a vast, arrow-shaped nose which makes him look like Nemesis from 2000AD! Bizarre! Overall: 89%
Game Thrills... Battle Valley looked like something from Khaki Underwear and Gun Fetishists’ Monthly (Now incorporating Gasmask User International)! Very, er, macho. Hmm, a varied look to Thrills this month but it didn’t quite gel (certainly not Ultra Ultimate Rather-strong-now we-come-to-mention-it hold). Overall: 81%
Happenings doesn’t cover as wide an area of topics as it should. There’s more to life than computer games, you know! The major fault in Issue 96 was the Kawasaki piece — it was just like a preview! And where was the pic of Alan for ‘CRASH Goes Green’? Overall: 74%
It’s tricky for me to comment on the SAM page because I’ve only got a +2 (I’m not made of money, though if I was I’m sure I’d be very popular). But I’m sure those who own this machine enjoy it. Overall: 82%
Lucy’s Letters could be improved by including this one (a-hem) and is a fair sounding board (78%), but I’ve never been interested in adventures (never will be) so the Trail only merits 66% from me. Techni-Tak has its uses but could soon become boring as technical topics are used up — 82% at the moment.
A photo story?! In CRASH?! Actually, I think it was the best thing in this issue! A very silly story and Nick looked a right prat! But the star was the rubber-keyed 48K Speccy! It deserves its own column! Let’s have another photo story soon, starring other CRASH peeps. Overall: 96%
Playing Tips and reviews are about as good as they’ve ever been, although both virtually ignore a sizeable area of Spectrum product — rereleases. If these were given more coverage, they’d deserve more than the already healthy 92% and 94% (respectively) I award them.
Improvements: why not use a little space to review other forms of entertainment, videos, comics, books, music and so forth? And a rival publication prints mini-crosswords: I don’t like them but how about a puzzle page of some kind? That way you could interact with your copy of CRASH!
I’m sure plenty of readers have views on the things I’ve
mentioned — I’d be interested to hear what they think. Keep up the
Michael R Atherley
Comments noted, understood and digested (and very tasty they
were. too). We aim to please, but you know what they say — you
can’t please all the people all of the time. But we’ll have a damn
I’m writing to give my two-pennyworth on the ‘Death of the Spectrum’ issue. I don’t believe the Spectrum is dead but I do think the end is near (repent, repent).
The vast majority of my friends have disregarded their Speccies and purchased the likes of the Amiga and Sega Mega Drive. I also have an Amiga but this is primarily for my parents’ business uses and word-processing letters such as this one.
On comparing the Amiga to the Speccy I worked out it has 896 more K than a Speccy, enabling Amiga programmers to produce better games, admittedly at higher prices but still worth it.
As I see it, the only solution is for Amstrad to bring out a new Speccy with
1 Meg memory and 4000-odd colours very quickly or it will, unfortunately, be
PS The worst thing, if the Speccy should die, would be the loss of CRASH.
If only Amstrad would, Jonathan. There’s still endless
possibilities for the old girl but with Amstrad taking their ‘Well if we
ignore the problem it might go away’ attitude and software houses
everywhere abandoning the Speccy market and going onto 16-bit and console
stuff, it’s starting to look a bit grim. Perhaps we should start a Save
Our Speccy Society.
I’ve collected every edition of CRASH, since issue number one. The problem, as you can imagine, is space.
But I had a flash of inspiration recently while walking past a building site. Now my entire CRASH collection has been used in the construction of a small community just outside Basingstoke.
The covers were used to build a small Anglican church, which falls down every so often but serves its purpose nonetheless. Because the whole town is made out of paper, it’s portable! So you can have a small community just outside Munich, if you so desire (as long as you can get it through customs!).
There is just one other problem. It’s not advisable to stick it on the
summit of a large hill, or indeed by an ocean, as the print starts to run and
the inhabitants get ink on their toilet seat covers and things in general get
Mr Barret Holmes, Atlantis
PS Deserts aren’t advisable either. Paper has the annoying habit of combusting at the most inappropriate moments, ie, coffee mornings, gala lunches, bridge evenings and canine-swapping parties.
Well Barret, that’s some very constructive advice you’ve given us
there. I suppose Dizzy, Captain Planet, Peter Pan and Nelly the
bloody Elephant are living there as well, are they? I suggest you go
for a nice holiday in a place where there’s lots of trees and birds and
flowers and things...
I’m a Speccy 128K owner. I’m sick of my friend because he owns a Sega and says I should get one because the graphics are good, but I think Segas are rubbish.
Anyway, let’s get to the point: I’m really bored with the same
crap games so I thought I’d write to CRASH. As I have crap games and you
guys and dolls are so cool, I thought you’d send me WWF, Bart Simpson or
Edd The Duck as I can’t get them — BOO HOO HOO! So will you please
send them or I’ll slap myself with a wet haddock.
Didn’t your mum ever tell you what thought did Andrew? He
thought he’d failed but he’d **** himself! You’ve got about
as much chance of getting games out of us as you have of getting a choc-ice in
the desert. So dream on, baby...
Great to see you back so quickly. It was sad to hear of the demise of Newsfield, as they published several good magazines. Does anyone know what has happened to FEAR and FRIGHTENERS, as I haven’t seen them back on the shelves yet?
I’ve been looking tor Seymour Goes To Hollywood/At The Movies, whatever it’s called, ever since it was previewed in the CRASH May 1991 issue, but I still haven’t found it, except in the recent Cartoon Collection.
Trouble is, I’ve got four of the five games already so I don’t want to pay £10 just for Seymour. I haven’t ever seen it in any of the mail order adverts. Have you got a spare copy? Or do you know where I can find it?
Hope you’re with us for a long time, since the other Sinclair
magazines are poor in comparison to the Great and Wonderful CRASH!
Flattery will get you everywhere, sweetie. I promise you CRASH is gonna be around for a long, long time, so don’t worry, be happy! Unfortunately, FEAR and FRIGHTENERS haven’t been resurrected (yet), but the possibility’s there, should a magazine publisher choose to finance them.
As for your Seymour question, according to the great and powerful Richard
Eddy, the game should be out on its own around Easter time (so you can bloody
I’d just like to present you with a nice card (enclosed) and also tell everyone I’m going to buy a Mega Drive. But fear not, oh impressionable ones, I intend to keep my Speccy to play games such as Dizzy, and I’ll keep buying CRASH until I turn orange or the mag dies.
Could you give me lots of CASH so I can buy some new games, as if you don’t my Speccy will go mad and turn into an avocado. Anway, I must go, so till the moon next rises in the central bank of Wibble — PARTY ON, DUDES!
And that’s a rap
Kyle ‘M’ Kinsey
No, you can’t have any cash, we need it all for ourselves.
We can just about forgive you for buying a Mega Drive — Nick has one but
assures me it’s only to let his Speccy have a rest now and then!
You’d better start buying our sister mag, SEGA FORCE, as well as CRASH,
Why are you such a rip off? I still buy your mag but it costs
more than the other two, SU and YS (can’t spell their full titles, huh?
— Prod Ed), and they always have more games, most of which are better. I
think you should lower your price or put more games on or more pages (not
PS Send me a copy of Lemmings, then I’ll forgive you!
What are you going on about, Charles? We happen to be the same
price as the other mags you mentioned, and with us you get high quality
magazine paper for your money, not the sort you find in public toilets! All the
Spectrum mags decided a long time ago to only use two full-price games per
issue so the other games you mentioned must have been reader ones. So bog off,
Europress Impact! Very flashy. Actually, I read GAMES X as well. I don’t know why, because they don’t do much on the SAM or Speccy — I suppose I want to keep an eye on those inferior machines (you know, PCs, Ataris etc). Seriously, it’s great to have CRASH back.
Now that’s all said and done...
Tell Nick he’s doing a wicked job on the SAM column. Oh! And by the
way, could anyone tell me of any interface to plug into the SAM to make
my Genius mouse work with the Coupé (I got it from Datel Electronics). Thanks!
PS I’ve got two Spectrums (48K, I’m afraid), a Coupé and a Commodore +4 (nearly as crap as an ST!).
Nick sends his thanks, but as for getting your Datel mouse to
work on the SAM, it’s bad news, I’m afraid. The SAM will only work
with the special SAMCo mouse developed by Bruce Gordon. Blue Alpha Electronics
did come up with another effort, that worked via the joystick port, but frankly
it wasn’t much cop.
Well, there we go, another month gone, bitten the dust, KAP-UT etc etc etc! Oh what’s this? STOP THE PRESS!: I’ve just seen a letter moaning that CRASH is too smutty for words — we’ll print the offending article (fnar fnar) next month but in the meantime you lot get your views on the subject in to: Lucy’s ‘PHWOAR’ LETTERS, CRASH, EUROPRESS IMPACT, Ludlow.