Crash for Breakfast!

’Ello darlin’s, ’ow’s ye bum for black ’eds? (I trust they’ll be all ‘white’ soon).

Cor blimey, has the CRASH office been in turmoil this month! So much for introducing Big Al last ish — we discovered some pretty startling revelations about that one (see Happenings) so he’s no longer with us.

Corky kept having major temper tantrums (unattractive scrunching up of face, excessive foot stamping and irritating blubbing noises etc) ’cos he missed CRASH so much. Then Ian ‘The Stain’ Osborne jumped on the bandwagon and started whinging on and on about not wanting to be just the poxy, farty-breath adventure columnist — he wanted to do something more meaningful.

After suggesting he try a mission to the far reaches of Outer Mongolia for a few centuries, I finally gave up and took ’em both on board (any misbehaving and it’s straight to the plank for both of ’em, me hearties).

Anyway, back to this issue. WOTTA WHOPPER! (if you’ll pardon the expression). An 84 PAGE EXTRAVAGANZA with a splendiferous 16-page Tips Spesh to send your Speccy into throes of ecstacy, the fambulicious Glider Rider and πr2 on the Powertape plus Biff, a scrummy playable demo from Beyond Belief.

AND! We’ve got a sneak look at The Addams Family, RoboCop 3 and Danny The Duster, arguably the best game ever made for the Speccy. We’ve also got the lowdown on the new Super Speccy, set to change computing as we know it. So don’t be shy, dive in and enjoy...

See ya next month



Featuring Lucy, Nick, Warren, Mark and Ian

Practical jokes are a great laff, aren’t they peeps? Pranks like pretending to be rotweiller and biting the postman and plastering super glue on the toilet seat are regular occurrences here at CRASH Towers. Since it’s April, we decided to give you some hot tips for April Fools’ Day...


One of the best jokes I’ve tried lately is sacking the entire CRASH staff — you should have seen their faces! They thought I was joking until I dished out the old P45s. It was only after a plethora of pleading, begging and general boot licking that I finally gave in (the way they hung me out the window by my toenails did a lot to change my mind, too).

Another good one is wiring up your best mate’s chair to the mains, waiting till he sits down then chucking a bucket of water over him — now that’s what I call funny! (Don’t try this at home kids — it could be dangerous.)

NICK — Dep Ed

The best April fool joke I played was coming into the office in a short black mini skirt, high heels and a blonde wig! Everyone thought I was Lucy and immediately started licking my shoes, grovelling for more dosh and begging not to be whipped! It was a strange experience I can tell you.

No one was any the wiser until I had a sudden urge to powder my nose (I think you know what I’m saying) — should I go to the gents or the ladies? I went into the little girls’ room and they immediately saw through my lipstick and eye shadow! What happened next isn’t fit for publication... Let’s just say I was in serious danger of disappointing my future bride!

MARK — Biggest Fool Alive (ask anyone)

I said I’d be back but I didn’t think it’d be this fast! Al’s seat is still warm!

Hmmm, what are we nattering about this month? Ideas for April Fool tricks, apparently. One of me faves is to set a plastic bucket full of water on a partially opened door — the next person to walk through is soaked.

Or try the old ‘there’s a spider on your back’ gag, especially if you put a large plastic one there beforehand. There’ll be gales of laughter and the sound of ambulance sirens coming to take your remains to hospital.

IAN — Office Stain

My tip for April Fools’ Day is to stay in bed, it’s not worth the hassles. Last year I got caught 248 times, and that was just before breakfast! Blue dye in the shower, shoe polish on the toilet seat, salt in the sugar bowl... you name it, I fell for it (spot the mug — Prod Ed)!

Worst of all was when I left the dinner table — some bast had tied my shoelaces together and I went apex over base into the wall, smashing my nose to smithereens in the process! Of course, this didn’t really count as it was after 12 o’clock, so the trickster was the real fool. That’s what I told them al the casualty ward, anyway.

WARREN — Prod Ed

I can honestly say I’ve never played an April Fool gag (innocent little thing that I am), but I’m sure I can come up with something devious.

How about running a nice hot bath for your brother or sister? They’ll be really pleased with you... until they realise you used flour rather than bath salts and they’re slopping around in ever-solidifying paste! Never mind, cheer them up again by making them a luvly ice cream sundae. Yum! Oh, but those flakes of chocolates sprinkled on the top are actually grated Oxo cubes. Anyone can make a mistake...

They’ll be pretty narked by now, so why not round off the day by stapling the bottom of their pyjamas or nightie together. They won’t notice until they try to put them on and are hopping around the bedroom. And what fool left those marbles scattered all over the floor? Tut tut...