Candid
Happy chappy: ‘Spring in the air, Vicar!’
Misey vicar: ‘Spring in the air yourself, you git!’
It’s that time of year again, peeps. Spring’s on its
way, the crocuses and daffodils are popping up their pretty little heads, lambs
are gamboling around (roulette, mainly).
And then of course you’ve got the mad March hares. To stop his hair
getting too mad, Nicko went to the barber’s the other day. Now it
ain’t mad at all — it’s just completely CRAZY!
Our Prod Ed, Wozza, has certainly caught the Mad March Hare syndrome.
We’re all used to him talking to himself and swinging from the strip
lights, but I caught him kissing the filing cabinet the other day (mind you, it
is a particularly attractive filing cabinet).
Come to think of it, everyone at CRASH is slightly bonkers. We
shouldn’t be called the CRASH Crew at all — Barmy Army’s
much more appropriate!
On this month’s stupendous Powertape we’ve get an exclusive look
at Potsworth & Co from Hi-Tec’s new cheapo(ish) Premier
range, as well as the brilliant Eliminator and Xeno. So get
out your joysticks and let rip.
PLUS! We’ve got the exclusive review of The Jetsons, Captain
Planet, Space Crusade and heaps more stuff, all bigger and better than
anyone else (so naaaaa!).
See ya next month,
Lucy
CRASH CORNER
Featuring Lucy, Nick, Warren and Alan
Starting a new job’s always a bit scary. Am I going to
enjoy it? Will I like my colleagues? And, more importantly, will they like
me?
Since this is Big Al Green’s virgin issue (eh eh!) and we all felt
like having a good bitch, we decided to get into a bit of Character
Assassination on the new tea maker...
LUCY — Ed
When Big Al turned up for his interview a couple of months ago,
my first thought was — what a thug! Neatly turned out in a
ripped denim jacket, tracksuit bottoms, bovver boots and a skinhead haircut, Al
would’ve looked more at home jumping up and down on someone’s head!
However, he took the CRASH initiation test in good heart (comprising of
standing on your head for two hours with a chip up each nostril singing three
Abba songs backwards), so he can’t be all bad.
He doesn’t say an awful lot (the gag might have something to do with
that), apart from warbling on about a few obscure music bands that
nobody’s ever heard of, but he does make a mean cup of cha. What more
could I ask?
NICK — Dep Ed
Alan who...? Oh, the one that’s started sitting opposite
me with his Walkman on. I thought he was one of these work experience jobbies!
He’s got a bit of a rad hairdo, hasn’t he? — more stripes
than a tube of toothpaste! Beats Corky’s greasy bonce, though, and Al
doesn’t leave Brilcream trails behind him!
He’s a good lad, our Al. He lent me his Beloved tape so I’ve got
to say that, haven’t I?! Trouble is, someone nicked it from my desk, so I
might change my mind when he beats me up!
WARREN — Prod Ed
Has anyone seen that silly (but rather amusing) giant Mousetrap
game on Motornouth? ’Cos Al ‘yer pal’ Green’s
a dead ringer for the geezer who presents it! ’Onest, guv, no word of a
lie, strike me down with a wet kipper if I’m telling you a porkie (and
similar stereotyped Cockney phrases).
Alan’s the CRASH beatnik — vicious haircut, drainpipe jeans, big
hoofy boots, cheesecloth shirt — the works. He’s into dirgy Indie
bands, his favourite food’s lentil butties and his most frequent phrase
is ‘Nice one’ (how friendly of him!).
Alan’s not the most enthusiastic of workers — nobody’s van
breaks down that often — but he is fair; the diplomat of the office (ie,
he’s the only dull sod who doesn’t bitch about everyone!)
ALAN — Who Knows?
With friends like that, who needs enemies? As you can tell
I’ve been as welcome as a dog turd through the post.
Lucy’s been thrashing me every night after work (on Captain
Planet, actually, you foul-minded youth!). Meanwhile, Roberts has been
playing crawly bum-lick ’cos of this lost tape. I’ve promised to
extract his entrails with a lemon zester if he doesn’t give it back in
the next 24 hours (gosh, perhaps I am a thug!). As for our Wozza, he only comes
in about as often as the tide in Wolverhampton! Must spend all his time
sharpening up those pointy shoes of his.
No really, folks, I’m the mildest-mannered guy in the place — I
wouldn’t touch a rhino with a toothpick. And I’m Speccy bonkers
and’ll fit into the wacky CRASH team like hand in glove (possibly a
boxing glove!).